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    This just in: CNN anchor John King has been found - alive - rolled up in a carpet remnant deep inside Ft. Marcy Park, mumbling semi-incoherently on varied subjects such as Epstein didn’t talk to the Ukrainians, racist global warming didn’t kill itself and the existence of plastic straws are the sole reason everyone’s supposed to hate OrangeManBad. A note was discovered pinned to Mr. King’s shirt on stationery from the Watergate Hotel that held a cryptic statement: ‘He could have committed suicide by triple-tapping himself in the back of the head with a .50 caliber rifle, but gunsarebadmmmmmkay.’