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    Breaking News…..

    UVA announces 21-gun salute set for May Day.

    The ceremony will now be part of the state-run school’s ‘People’s Celebration’, with the firing team comprised of 57 participants - 1 representing each state - of the taxpayer-funded D.I.O.S. M.I. (Diversity Is Our Strength Membership Initiative) using specially-built mock-ups of 3,000 rounds-per-second AK-15 and AR-47 ghost guns loaded with fully semi-automatic clipazine scopes. The very realistic-appearing evil scary-looking guns will have triggers linked only to an audio recording of the sound an illegal finger gun makes when fired inside a school cafeteria (AK-15) or classroom (AR-47).

    To be considered for firing team participation, prospective students must have the following two confirmed status levels in their official UVA record:

    Registered Democrat. Campaign participation for at least one national, state, county, or local Democrat candidate (min. 60 days).

    A point system has been established for ascertaining those qualified for the firing team. The 57 will be the top of the list, with one point each given for the following achievements (in no particular order), as entered in the student’s transcript. This is a partial listing. Students interested in applying for a team slot will be provided the full points-given document.

    Had an abortion. Regularly wear a Ché t-shirt. AntiFa member. Drive a Subaru, Prius, or SmartCar WITH appropriate to-the-cause bumper stickers. Arrested for assaulting a police officer. Had a second abortion. Blame OrangeManBad and current Republicans for all ills. Minimum of four gender-fluid pronouns to be addressed by. Interviewed by national or local media (except for Fox News). Individual photos taken with Democrat presidential candidates (limit one per candidate). Hosting a vegan bake sale benefiting LGBQT dwarf senior citizens of color. Never having held any paid employment.

    The team is sponsored by Barstucks Coffee and Gropressive Insurance.